


i want you to type out a gif on me (with your mouth)

by unevalentine



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Matchmaking, Belligerent Texting, Confessions, F/F, F/M, Family Dynamics, Gen, Humor, Jealousy, Meddling, Modern Westeros, Queen Margaery Tyrell Matchmaking, Romance, Texting, good matchmaking, so much meddling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 23:20:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19283275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unevalentine/pseuds/unevalentine
Summary: Sansa: Did you have something to do with this?Margaery: What, darling?Sansa: Robb setting Theon up on a date?Margaery: I certainly did.Sansa: I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.





	i want you to type out a gif on me (with your mouth)

**Robbabob:** mate

 **BFF 5EVA:** mate

 **Robbabob:** bow down and kiss my feet  
i found you the perfect bird  
her name is daenerys  
she’s a professional motocross rider  
her bike is called drogon  
she’s GORGEOUS  
no need to thank me, i’ll accept being named godfather to your beautiful babies

 **BFF 5EVA:** yeah…that’s gonna be a no from me, dawg

 **Robbabob:** first of all, it’s DOG how many times have we gone over this  
second of all, why not??  
she’s LITERALLY perfect for you

 **BFF 5EVA:** remember the last date you set me up on  
cause i do  
i still have a fucking scar on my temple  
from when she smashed her fucking drink on my head

 **Robbabob:** tbf i did tell you she was a bit barmy

 **BFF 5EVA:** you did not! you said she was fit

 **Robbabob:** i rest my case

 **BFF 5EVA:** i’m not going on this date. even though you already set it up

 **Robbabob:** how do you know i already set it up?

 **BFF 5EVA:** please.

 **Robbabob:** WELL  
yeah alright  
you’re getting drinks at your sister’s pub  
friday at 8  
be there or be FUCKIN square

 **BFF 5EVA:** i’m not going

 **Robbabob:** come oooooon theon  
i promise you’ll have a good time  
she’s NOT mad, i swear it  
the fuzz will not be called

 **BFF 5EVA:** why are you so weirdly invested in this

 **Robbabob:** i just want my bestest mate in the whole wide world to be happy and meet the love of his life  
is that a crime??

 **BFF 5EVA:** you’re starkers (haha get it?)  
but really though, why

 **Robbabob:** so i may have made a bet with the light of my loins…

 **BFF 5EVA:** it’s “light of my life, fire of my loins”  
also, you might want to rethink using that phrase to describe your gf  
considering it was used by a child molester to describe a pre-pubescent teenage girl he was creepily obsessed with

 **Robbabob:** um…………wtf theon?????????

 **BFF 5EVA:** you know what that’s from right? only one of the most famous novels ever written?

 **Robbabob:** i have no bloody clue what you’re on about

 **BFF 5EVA:** ugh. never mind.  
you’re such a philistine  
what’s this bet, then?

 **Robbabob:** i don’t know what that means, but i’m offended  
SO, i was telling marg that i don’t get why you’re still single  
i mean, you’re a tosser, but there are plenty of tossers out there who’ve got girlfriends  
even bloody joffrey has one

 **BFF 5EVA:** thought he and sansa broke up a long time ago?

 **Robbabob:** um EXCUSE YOU we don’t talk about that  
it never happened  
no, he’s dating rosamund lannister

 **BFF 5EVA:** his cousin???? who looks just like his sister????????

 **Robbabob:** yeh

 **BFF 5EVA:** that family is all sorts of fucked up

 **Robbabob:** my POINT is, if even joffrey can get a girlfriend, how come you don’t have one??

 **BFF 5EVA:** idk maybe i’m happy being single?

 **Robbabob:** BOLLOCKS  
you’re going on this date  
marg bet me i couldn’t find you a girlfriend  
but she was soooooooooooooo wrong

 **BFF 5EVA:** what do you get if you win?

 **Robbabob:** that’s between me and the light of my loins 😉

 **BFF 5EVA:**  mate, you really gotta stop saying that

...

 **Robbabob:** so how’d the date go???  
was i right or was i fuckin right!

 **BFF 5EVA:** it was good

 **Robbabob:** GOOD? GOOD?  
mate  
come on  
spill the beans

 **BFF 5EVA:** mate  
think not

 **Robbabob:** THEON DICKLESS GREYJOY  
i always used to kiss and tell!  
now you have to return the favour

 **BFF 5EVA:** stop calling me that  
aren’t you meant to be sucking up to me rn?  
also, kissing and telling is for narcissists who don’t respect their partners

 **Robbabob:** so there WAS kissing  
I KNEW IT

 **BFF 5EVA:** [unimpressed rdj gif]

 **Robbabob:** ffs not this again  
you’re supposed to send the actual gif, not type it out

 **BFF 5EVA:** [lil timmy tim hands up gif]

 **Robbabob:** you can run, but you can’t hide  
i WILL find out  
…  
i hate that i actually know what gif that is

…

 **Robb:** hey sans

 **Sansa:** Yes, Robb?

 **Robb:** i need a favour  
just a tiny little favour

 **Sansa:** What is it?

 **Robb:** i set theon up on a date  
but he refuses to tell me anything other than it was good  
i want to know more  
i NEED to know more  
as his best mate (and the person who set this date up), it’s my right to know EVERYTHING

 **Sansa:** So what do you need me for?

 **Robb:** you’re freakishly good at getting people to tell you things  
can you work your magic on theon and report back to your best and most beloved big brother? 😇

 **Sansa:** You’re my only big brother.

 **Robb:** pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease sansa?  
i’ll get you as many lemon cakes as you want

…

 **Sansa:** Good morning, Theon.

 **Theon:** morning, love  
robb sent you, didn’t he?

 **Sansa:** …He may have. How did you know?

 **Theon:** he won’t shut up about this stupid date  
he’s driving me up the wall

 **Sansa:** Stupid? I thought you had a good time?

 **Theon:** you’re not going to get me that easily  
i know your tricks

 **Sansa:** How about this? You can tell me how the date went, and I…won’t say anything to Robb.

 **Theon:** why would you do that? isn’t he the one who asked you to interrogate me?

 **Sansa:** Let’s just say I have my own grievances against his matchmaking.

 **Theon:** oh shit, that’s right  
i almost forgot about your disaster of a date with harry the arse

 **Sansa:** I’d rather keep it that way, thanks.  
Anyway, how was the date? You can tell me. It didn’t go too badly, did it?

 **Theon:** you promise you won’t tell robb?

 **Sansa:** I promise, Theon.

 **Theon:** alright  
well  
she’s a really interesting person  
she travels around the world doing motocross races  
they call her the mother of dragons  
cause all her bikes are valyrian dragon models  
apparently her favourite bike drogon was named after her ex-husband drogo  
who died in a motocross accident a few years ago  
very traumatic, not sure she’s over it yet  
she’s in town for a while before her next race  
in…qarth, i think?

 **Sansa:** Wow. She certainly sounds like a character.  
Are you going to see her again?

 **Theon:** think so  
we made tentative plans to meet next friday at the same time  
though we might meet at a different pub  
yara kept checking her out  
she’s got no bloody boundaries

 **Sansa:** Be careful. Wouldn’t want your sister to steal your date from you!  
LOL

…

 **Sansa:** Did you have something to do with this?

 **Margaery:** What, darling?

 **Sansa:** Robb setting Theon up on a date?

 **Margaery:** I certainly did.

 **Sansa:** I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.

 **Margaery:** And why’s that, love?

 **Sansa:** I don’t know. But I feel irrationally upset.

 **Margaery:** Hmmm. This is just a suggestion, mind you, don’t get brassed off, but…have you ever considered that maybe you fancy Theon?

 **Sansa:** No…  
No, I bloody well haven’t.

 **Margaery:** My, oh my. Sansa Stark! Was that a profanity that just came out of your mouth? Or fingers, rather.

 **Sansa:** What do you mean maybe I fancy Theon?!

 **Margaery:** Don’t bite my head off. Just think about it…

…

 **Robb:** so????? tell meeeeeeeee

 **Sansa:** Sorry, Robb. I promised Theon I wouldn’t tell you.

 **Robb:** but i sent you to get the details FOR ME

 **Sansa:** You know I never break my promises. Not anymore.

 **Robb:** i can’t believe this  
you’re MY sister  
where’s the loyalty??

 **Sansa:** Besides, I think you should really stop trying to set us all up. It never ends well.

 **Robb:** ???  
how can you say that  
theon only got smashed in the head that one time

 **Sansa:** Oh, I see. You’ve completely forgotten that entire debacle with Harry Hardyng, have you?

 **Robb:** …  
so this was revenge, was it?  
i’ve already apologized for that!  
how was i supposed to know he’d fathered two children?  
HE didn’t even know  
before your date, that is  
sansa?

…

 **Robb:** tell me everything you know about theon’s date

 **Snow:** She’s fit.

 **Robb:** how do you know?? did he tell you?

 **Snow:** I saw them at the pub.

 **Robb:** YES  
finally  
did they hit it off??

 **Snow:** Mate, I wasn’t watching them the whole night.

 **Robb:** TELL ME SNOW

 **Snow:** What’re you so miffed about? I’m sure you’ll be the first to know if it goes anywhere.

 **Robb:** …  
you know nothing, jon snow

 **Snow:** More than you, I reckon.

…

 **Robb:** bran

 **Bran:** Robb.

 **Robb:** what do you know about theon’s date??

 **Bran:** Didn’t even know he had one.

 **Robb:** liar!  
i know you know

 **Bran:** How would I know anything if I didn’t even know he had a date?

 **Robb:** idk how do you know everything else that you know??  
tell me  
i’m your big brother

 **Bran:** You’re right, Robb. I’ll tell you everything I know about Theon’s date.

 **Robb:** ???

 **Bran:** Apparently he had a date.

 **Robb:** and…?

 **Bran:** That’s it. That’s all I know. Because /you/ told me.

…

 **big bro:** hey arya

 **lil sis:** no

 **big bro:** so you DO know something about theon’s date?

 **lil sis:** it’s so sad that you were the first one out  
mum and dad must have been terrified you’d be a nitwit your whole life  
not that they were wrong  
since clearly you never learned how to read  
and that’s why you can’t understand the most basic bloody word in the english language  
n + o = no

 **big bro:** why do you always have to be so mean to me

 **lil sis:** why do you always have to whinge about everything

 **big bro:** do you or do you not know how theon’s date went?? jon must have told you something

 **lil sis:** lmfao  
done with this convo  
don’t bring this up to me again  
you know the consequences

…

 **robb:** rickon! how is my favourite sibling doing?

 **rickon:** stop being such a cunt, robb

 **robb:** WOW. WHAT DID I DO?

 **rickon:** i know you’re gonna ask me about theon’s date  
and you should know i would never sell him out like that

 **robb:** um  
you’re MY brother???

 **rickon:** yeh but do you play fortnite with me?  
no?  
then piss off

 **robb:** the BETRAYAL  
what happened to the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives???  
mum and dad would be so disappointed

 **rickon:** in you? sure they’re used to it by now  
they’ve had your whole life to adjust

…

 **Unknown Number:** hey yara

 **Theon’s sister:** who’s this?

 **Unknown Number:** robb stark

 **Theon’s sister:** how’d you get my number?

 **Unknown Number:** so i’m guessing you know about theon’s date  
it was at your pub, after all

 **Theon’s sister:** with that fit blonde? what of it?

 **Unknown Number:** well, how did it go?  
i set it up, you know  
but theon refuses to tell me anything

 **Theon’s sister:** why the bloody fuck are you asking me? i’m not going to betray his confidence if he doesn’t want to tell you anything. theon’s my brother.

 **Unknown Number:** that’s what i keep saying!!!  
but SOME siblings don’t seem to care about their brothers  
no loyalty smh  
i thought you loved taking the piss out of theon?

 **Theon’s sister:** yeah, but i don’t like you.

 **Unknown Number:** what?? why not???  
hello?  
yara?  
u there?

…

 **Sansa:** Good morning, Theon. How’d the second date go?

 **Theon:** morning, love  
it was good  
we ended up meeting at my sister’s pub again  
chatted some more  
she didn’t seem to mind that yara was eye-fucking her the whole time  
why is my sister dodgy af?

 **Sansa:** What did you talk about?

 **Theon:** a bunch of things  
our families, mostly  
she grew up orphaned, with only her brother  
who was a right cunt  
they don’t talk anymore  
she asked about yara quite a bit  
at least i have one good sibling  
“good” hahahahaha

 **Sansa:** Sounds like you have a lot in common.

 **Theon:** reckon that’s true, yeah

 **Sansa:** How perfect. Perhaps it’s fate that Robb set you up with her.

 **Theon:** dunno about that

…

 **Sansa:** They both have dysfunctional families. I can’t relate to that! My family is so loving – always has been.

 **Margaery:** Is this about Theon and Daenerys?

 **Sansa:** I hate this. Why do I hate the idea of them dating so much? I should be happy for Theon. He’s been through enough hardship in his life. If he’s met someone he can really connect with, someone who can understand what he’s been through…shouldn’t I be happy for him?

 **Margaery:** Oh, darling. I think you know exactly why you aren’t happy for him.

 **Sansa:** …I suppose I do.

 **Margaery:** Tell him how you feel! Before it’s too late. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t say something now.

 **Sansa:** How can I? He’s Robb’s best mate. If it all goes pear-shaped, and he doesn’t feel the same way, I’ll still have to see him everywhere. It would be so, so awkward.

 **Margaery:** Trust me, dear. He feels the same way.

 **Sansa:** How could you possibly know that?

 **Margaery:** I just know. No bloke would ever be half so attentive if he weren’t half in love with you already. Theon would do anything for you. You know that.

 **Sansa:** What about this woman Robb set him up with? He seems to like her.

 **Margaery:** Don’t worry about her. I’m told she’s actually more interested in the other Greyjoy…

 **Sansa:** No…really? Theon did say she asked about Yara quite a bit. But then why would she agree to going out with him?

 **Margaery:** I’m sure I have no idea 😉

 **Sansa:** Margaery Rose Tyrell…did you set this all up so that I would get jealous and realize I…fancy Theon?! (Can hardly believe I just typed that out, but needs must.) You are truly an evil genius. I’m half impressed, half incensed. You and Robb are a match made in heaven – or hell, really – always meddling in our lives.

 **Margaery:** Yes, but the difference is, my meddling works. You know I love your brother, but he’s no matchmaker.

 **Sansa:** No, he really isn’t. It’s a wonder he ever managed to win you over.

 **Margaery:** He had other ways of winning me over 😉😉😉

 **Sansa:** Ew. Please, spare me the innuendo.

 **Margaery:** Then stop dilly-dallying, and go get your man!

 **Sansa:** [Excited Jonah Hill GIF]

 **Margaery:** Just send the GIF next time. There’s no need to type it out.

 **Sansa:** Use your imagination, Marg. Ta. Wish me luck! xx

…

 **Sansa:** Margaery claims that your date is interested in Yara, not you.

 **Theon:** oh, well  
that actually explains a lot

 **Sansa:** How does that make you feel?

 **Theon:** i guess it’s kind of weird but  
i’m fine with it  
she’s more yara’s type than mine anyway

 **Sansa:** And what is your type?

 **Theon:** well  
well  
that’s hard to say  
you know  
there are different things  
that i like  
quite a lot of different things  
wouldn’t want to  
err  
list them all  
like some kind of...  
prime wanker

 **Sansa:** No, really, I’m curious. Tell me.

 **Theon:** well  
if the lady insists…  
smart, obviously  
loves to read  
loyal  
driven  
resourceful  
intelligent  
err well  
said that already, didn’t i?

 **Sansa:** That sounds like me.

 **Theon:** err…  
yes?  
i mean  
you are all those things  
but  
i wasn’t trying to  
insinuate anything

 **Sansa:** What if I wanted you to insinuate something?

 **Theon:** well, in that case…  
no, i give up  
i’m so confused  
are you…

 **Sansa:** I really, really hope I’m your type. Because…I fancy you. A lot.

 **Theon:** you fancy me? like…like arya fancies gendry?

 **Sansa:** With much less violence, but yes. Like that.

 **Theon:** Sansa, I…sorry, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that you…fancy me, of all people. But I…of course you’re my bloody type. In fact, you’re my entire type. That’s it. It’s just you.

 **Sansa:** That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

 **Theon:** Well, love – you haven’t had the best track record when it comes to dating, so I’m not surprised.

 **Sansa:** Are you planning on changing that?

 **Theon:** If you’ll have me.

 **Sansa:** I wouldn’t have anyone else.

 **Theon:** May I come over? I’d really, really like to have the rest of this conversation in person.  
I think it goes without saying that, physically, you’re my type as well.  
I want to tell you everything – and it really is everything – I like about you.

 **Sansa:** Yes, you may come over – and don’t think I haven’t noticed how proper your texting has suddenly become. I appreciate it. One thing, though.

 **Theon:** Anything.

 **Sansa:** If you come over now…you had better use your mouth in other ways than just for talking.  
I’ve always thought your hair was particularly…tuggable. If you know what I mean.

 **Theon:** omw

 **Sansa:** Can’t wait! 😍

…

 **Robbabob:** so  
i know you had a second date with daenerys  
you HAVE to give me something  
i’m dying in the desert here  
do you want your best mate to die  
because you were too selfish to share the good and/or bad news  
?  
?  
do you?  
i really want to win this bet with marg  
HOW WAS IT

 **BFF 5EVA:** it was the bee’s knees

 **Robbabob:** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

 **BFF 5EVA:** you really don’t know how to read, do you?

 **Robbabob:** you know what?  
nvm i can’t bother right now  
more important things than you being a bugger  
are you going to see her again

 **BFF 5EVA:** i’m sure i will

 **Robbabob:** you’re going on another date??

 **BFF 5EVA:** i didn’t say that

 **Robbabob:** DO YOU SEE A FUTURE WITH HER

 **BFF 5EVA:** listen, mate…as fun as it is to wind you up, i have better things to do now  
congrats  
you found me a girlfriend  
now go tell margaery and collect your winnings

 **Robbabob:** daenerys is your girlfriend already??? after two dates? not bloody likely

 **BFF 5EVA:** i didn’t say that

 **Robbabob:** what are you saying then??

 **BFF 5EVA:** i have a girlfriend now, but she’s not daenerys

 **Robbabob:** WHO IS SHE THEN???????

 **BFF 5EVA:** alright  
i’m just going to rip the band-aid off  
don’t go round the bend now  
i’m dating your sister

 **Robbabob:** ARYA????????????????????????????????????????????????

 **BFF 5EVA:** no!  
for fuck’s sake  
sansa

 **Robbabob:** since fuckin when?

 **BFF 5EVA:** since saturday  
this whole thing with daenerys made her realize she wanted to be with me  
like, romantically

 **Robbabob:** what about daenerys?

 **BFF 5EVA:** turns out she’s more interested in yara than me

 **Robbabob:** what?? why’d she want to date you then?

 **BFF 5EVA:** ask margaery

 **Robbabob:** my head hurts

 **BFF 5EVA:** you poor bb

 **Robbabob:** but why  
why sansa?  
why my little sister???

 **BFF 5EVA:** she’s everything i could ever want in a woman  
and then some  
as for why me  
you’ll have to ask her that

…

 **Robb:** sansa stark, are you seriously dating theon greyjoy?  
my best mate, theon?  
the biggest playboy we know, theon?

 **Sansa:** He’s changed, but you already knew that.

 **Robb:** why? why him?

 **Sansa:** Because…men have only ever hurt me. But I trust Theon, and I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not in front of him. He’s known me almost my entire life, and he’s still here. That means something to me. He might be your best mate, but he’s not just yours anymore. He belongs to all of us.  
He just…he makes me happy, Robb, and I want to make him happy in return.

 **Robb:** sans, that’s  
well that’s lovely  
that’s all i ever wanted  
for you both to be happy  
and if you’re happy together  
suppose i’ll just have to deal with it  
but if he ever does anything to hurt you  
i don’t care if he’s my best mate  
you tell me  
and i’ll set him right

 **Sansa:** Thank you, Robb, really – but that won’t be necessary.

 **Robb:** i won’t go easy on him

 **Sansa:** [Big Hero 6 “There, There” GIF]

 **Robb:** ffs not you too???

…

 **Robbabob:** IF YOU EVER HURT HER

 **BFF 5EVA:** get it all out, why not

 **Robbabob:** YOU WILL RUE THE DAY

 **BFF 5EVA:** quite  
i’m impressed you know what “rue” means

 **Robbabob:** I WILL MAKE YOU DICKLESS  
FOR REALLY REAL

 **BFF 5EVA:**  you're starting to sound like your little sister  
arya, not sansa  
sansa would like to keep my willy around, if you know what i mean

 **Robbabob:** kindly shush ya mush

 **BFF 5EVA:** we cool?

 **Robbabob:** reckon so  
until the next time you botch it up

 **BFF 5EVA:** [patrick from spongebob meany gif]

 **Robbabob:** ugh  
btw i still expect to be named godfather

…

 **Hubby:** did you set this all up so theon and sansa would get together?

 **Wifey:** Obviously.

 **Hubby:** why didn’t you just tell me? i’ve been acting a right berk lately

 **Wifey:** You would have thrown a strop if I had told you, and ruined the plan. And then they would both still be lonely and single, and missing the true love that was right under their very noses. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

 **Hubby:**  suppose not…

 **Wifey:** Besides, it all worked out in your favour. You found Theon a girlfriend. You won the bet.

 **Hubby:** seriously hate to admit this but  
i didn’t find him a girlfriend  
that happened without my knowledge or permission

 **Wifey:** If you hadn’t befriended Theon all those years ago, he would never have met Sansa. Therefore, technically it was your doing.  
I look forward to fulfilling the terms of the bet 😉

 **Hubby:** …  
by the gods, margaery, you’ll be the death of me  
but WHAT a death it'll be  
i, too, look forward to fulfilling the terms of the bet 😉😉😉

**Author's Note:**

> i don't text much, and have never written a texting fic. but this was pretty fun. wrote it all in one night!


End file.
